Post by Katie on May 10, 2009 8:57:43 GMT
Shame is a fear-based internal state being, accompanied by beliefs of being unworthy and basically unlovable. Shame is a primary emotion that conjures up brief, intense painful feelings and a fundamental sense of inadequacy. Shame experiences bring forth beliefs of "I am a failure" and "I am bad" which are a threat to the integrity of the self. This perceived deficit of being bad is so humiliating and disgraceful that there is a need to protect and hide the flawed self from others. Fears of being vulnerable, found out, exposed and further humiliated are paramount. Feelings of shame shut people down so that they can distance from the internal painful state of hopelessness.
Shame is a result of early developmental loss either real or perceived. It may begin in parent-infant conflict where there is possible significant loss or threat of loss of the child's basic security. The child longs for closeness with the mother and father. If there is rejection or love withdrawal from the parent, the child is left with intense, painful emotions. On some level, the beliefs of "I am unlovable" develops and a core of shame starts to build. Anna Freud described these experiences as happening before the child develops language and therefore are not remembered. These feelings of not being loved cause the child to rage and/or go into silent withdrawal. Experiences that cause shame alter the child's basic trust of others and are at the heart of dysfunctional behavior.
Shame is a result of early developmental loss either real or perceived. It may begin in parent-infant conflict where there is possible significant loss or threat of loss of the child's basic security. The child longs for closeness with the mother and father. If there is rejection or love withdrawal from the parent, the child is left with intense, painful emotions. On some level, the beliefs of "I am unlovable" develops and a core of shame starts to build. Anna Freud described these experiences as happening before the child develops language and therefore are not remembered. These feelings of not being loved cause the child to rage and/or go into silent withdrawal. Experiences that cause shame alter the child's basic trust of others and are at the heart of dysfunctional behavior.
The typical shame response is a heightened degree of arousal and self consciousness. The person in emotional pain averts his eyes and his head goes down. New information is blocked. There is intense discomfort and muscular tension. The body collapses inward to protect the self and there is a shrinking of body energy. The skin may become flushed with embarrassment. There are feelings of inadequacy and the fear of self exposure. The person wants to shrink, hide or even die to get away from the painful feelings of mortification. These feelings are so excruciating that the child wants to avoid them at all costs.
Adult-induced causes of shame involve betrayal by others and a broken trust through disapproval or humiliation. Parental withdrawal and rejection shown by looks of contempt cause instantaneous shame reactions in children. A child who believes that his parents favor a sibling often believe that there is something basically wrong with him or he would be the chosen child. Shame also occurs when the parents have high standards of behavior and react with anger or embarrassment when the child does not live up to expectations. Punishment for failure and humiliation over the child's expression of vulnerability, distress, crying or pain typically create shame. Criticism, cruel teasing and ridicule further reinforce the child's beliefs of unworthiness. Harsh parental discipline of a coercive nature create fears of abandonment in the child. The trauma of physical abuse imprints feelings of being devalued in the child. Empathetic shame happens when the child internalizes humiliation and shame reactions of other people. Sexual abuse typically causes the child to feel dirty and bad and he often absorbs the shame of the adult who committed the offense.
Other types of shame are self induced around events of morally inappropriate behavior and public exposure. It is not what happened to the person but how it is interpreted by the self and others that makes the difference. Excesses of worry about what others may think of him add to the discomfort and the wish to hide. This category of fear of self exposure includes:
* Sexual feelings and actions.
* Impulsive aggressive behavior that is against public standards.
* Issues around bathroom functions, body odors and cleanliness.
* Failure of a task or doing poorly when performing before an audience.
* Humiliation and ridicule by peers.
* Class, social status or racial inequality--being looked down upon by others.
* Being different or one's parents being different from others--clothes, body size, or physical differences.
* Doing something or saying something that might hurt another person's feelings.
Other types of shame are self induced around events of morally inappropriate behavior and public exposure. It is not what happened to the person but how it is interpreted by the self and others that makes the difference. Excesses of worry about what others may think of him add to the discomfort and the wish to hide. This category of fear of self exposure includes:
* Sexual feelings and actions.
* Impulsive aggressive behavior that is against public standards.
* Issues around bathroom functions, body odors and cleanliness.
* Failure of a task or doing poorly when performing before an audience.
* Humiliation and ridicule by peers.
* Class, social status or racial inequality--being looked down upon by others.
* Being different or one's parents being different from others--clothes, body size, or physical differences.
* Doing something or saying something that might hurt another person's feelings.
The shame-prone individual's biggest fear is for others to find out how bad he really feels inside. There is denial of vulnerability, avoidance of negative feelings that are perceived as weak and an inability to be real. Macho behavior in men has a deep shame core at its base. Men who are frightened of feelings learn to wall others away through withdrawing, numbing their feelings and intellectualizing. Other shame-driven behaviors are acting out, depression, anxiety and compulsive behavior. Some people are self deprecating and use submissive behavior to avoid the shaming behaviors of others. Others turn to addictive substances and activities to numb the emotional pain inside. The dissociation disorders are based in shame with distortion of reality and developing separate parts of the personality to hide from the shame.
Exaggerated pride allows the person to build up feelings of superiority again for the purpose of denying the global negative internal beliefs of "I am bad." The narcissistic individual reduces his own shame by feeling better than others; he elevates his status by putting others down. Prejudice, bigotry, revenge and grudges towards others are mechanisms that keep the self from knowing and experiencing the shame. Individuals who engage in antisocial behavior have a great capacity for shame and denial. Young people who resort to violence and membership in gangs use feeling superior to avoid feeling bad about themselves. Sadly, gang members describe feeling respected by their peers for the first time in their life.
Exaggerated pride allows the person to build up feelings of superiority again for the purpose of denying the global negative internal beliefs of "I am bad." The narcissistic individual reduces his own shame by feeling better than others; he elevates his status by putting others down. Prejudice, bigotry, revenge and grudges towards others are mechanisms that keep the self from knowing and experiencing the shame. Individuals who engage in antisocial behavior have a great capacity for shame and denial. Young people who resort to violence and membership in gangs use feeling superior to avoid feeling bad about themselves. Sadly, gang members describe feeling respected by their peers for the first time in their life.
www.angriesout.com/teach8.htm